Once again Great Britain is threatened from across the Channel. After a protracted period of negotiation Prime Minister Theresa Chamberlain returned to the Commons with a piece of paper in her hand. Unfortunately she did not appreciate that the perfidious failure of the Europeans to accept our desire to leave and remain within the European Union would not satisfy the patriotic fervour of her colleagues who promptly shot her.

Things looked grim for Blighty but cometh the hour cometh… a new team to defend our shores. “Haves Army” a group of individuals led by those who had overcome the challenges and travails faced by their fellow citizens by applying their entrepreneurial  skills to carefully choosing their parents. Leading them, Boris Mainwaring, a man known for his serious attention to detail, integrity and probity but most of all his sophisticated negotiation skills.

Immediately the Captain eschewed  the defeatist thinking of the collaborators and adopted the “can do” attitude which had been lost with Empire. His central negotiating gambit was to play the Blazing Saddles opening. Who can forget the masterful strategy of the new black sheriff as he rode into town. The excited anticipation of the white towns-folk waiting to greet him turning first to disbelief, then anger, then threat.

Surrounded by a mob with pistols drawn the new sheriff calls their bluff. He draws his gun and points it at his own head. “Back off or the black guy gets it.” he calls. The crowd gasp. One of the townsfolk shouts “Put your guns down. He ain’t bluffing.” The crowd part as the sheriff retreats to the safety of his office, all the while pointing the gun at his head. One of the towns women-folk calls plaintively, “Is no one going to save that poor man?” The black sheriff/hostage enters his office and the crowd breaks up not even aware of what has just happened to them.

So Captain Boris tells those pesky Europeans to back-stop off or there will be no deal. To convince them he draws on his trusted ally, Lance Corporal Gove, tasking him to make sure there is plenty of ammunition for the suicide threat. Something Corporal Gove doesn’t need to be asked twice. Off he goes around the country to ports and industries repeating the carefully thought through no deal strategy of “Don’t panic! Don’t panic!”

Keeping his head down with self-deprecating promotion, Private Rees-Walker, promotes a strategy for the nation that will take it forward to the 1850’s when serious wealth could be generated and the lower orders knew their place.

What could go wrong? Although I think I do hear sotto voce from somewhere in the political ether the pithy statement of coherent opposition “We’re doomed, we’re all doomed!”